I’ve seen and heard so much on purity culture lately, reels, memes, podcast, it’s everywhere. Based on things I’ve said in the past that continually get thrown in my face I decided to jump in and give my thoughts and we all know it’s going to be side tracked about 2 seconds after I begin so let’s go.
Some of you may recall my post about pink socks. I still believe what I said. I whole heartedly believe the husband is the head of the house but that post was aimed at females only so it was half a post. Maybe that’s a part of the problem with purity culture, we focused on the females and didn’t spend enough time talking to the guys. We had a slew of females ready to tell the younger generation how to live, but we didn’t have the same for the guys. Maybe we should have said ladies listen he may be the head but you deserve someone that treats you right so choose wisely and don’t settle and not just focused on how she behaved. Maybe if we did that we wouldn’t have a group of miserable and abusive marriages like we do today. Get mad if you will, but open your eyes many many marriages are abusive or miserable.
Many will tell you purity culture started from a good place but basically got twisted along the way. Purity culture placed emphasis on staying pure before marriage. Here’s the issue I see with that. The emphasis was placed on staying pure for your spouse and left God out completely. What should have been taught was a relationship with God and having a pure heart before Him. Not staying just sexually pure, but completely pure before God in every area of your life. The things you watch, the things you read, the things you speak, you know your whole life.
Wanna know what else should have been taught? Men love your wife as Christ loves the church and everything that entails.
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; Ephesians 5:25
I had a boss that I adored. The best boss I’ve ever had, but if I’m being totally open he hurt my pride a bit. He was the boss, he was in charge and he made the final decisions, not me. I worked for him and was there to help. It is exactly like a marriage, not even close, but you can see the similarities. He was the head of the team and was responsible to do what was best.
We had a closure at one of our facilities and our plants were combining. That meant someone from our team had to travel out of state to the other facility to learn their processes and bring the info back to train our group. I was the one that always trained anyone new in our group. I worked my tail off to get to the point that I knew and understood our system better than the rest of the team. It made sense I would go to our sister site, right? Only I didn’t go. I didn’t want to seem like I was trying to work my way in and take the other girls spot so I waited until she was on a plane and scheduled a meeting with my manager. He said the most painful thing to me. It hurt, it stung, but looking back he made the right choice. He said – It never crossed my mind to send you. Ouch! He went through the list of our team members and explained why he didn’t pick each of them leaving this young woman to go. I sat distraught wondering but why not me. He explained that skill wise I would have been the best option, but then I wouldn’t have been at our office and my skills were needed for what was happening there. It was an easy choice for him. He did what was best for the whole team not what was easiest on my feelings. He demonstrated true leadership and care for the team. He put the “families” needs above my selfish desires to be the best. We get lots of things twisted in this world and one that I hear a lot is that in order to love his wife the husband gives her whatever she wants. I’ll take Unbiblical for $200, Alex. He does have to love her though. I have a nephew that lives with me and ya’ll need to feel for the kid cause almost daily I remind him that when he gets married not to be a jerk. His job is to love his wife as Christ loved the church. Anytime I see someone do something dumb, I remind him so it really is almost daily, poor kid! Think about the love Christ has for the church. The responsibility to love your wife to that extent is insane. I’m thankful I’m female and not male, I don’t want that responsibility. I don’t want to stand before God on judgement day and hear how well or not well I did with that. During the height of purity culture why didn’t we focus more on that? Why didn’t we say – Hey guys, you’ll be accountable for ALL you do. Before you get married make sure you are ready to love like Jesus loves. Don’t rush into it, don’t do it because a preacher, teacher, deacon, prophet, elder, someone else at church or even your mama told you that’s your spouse. I don’t care who they are, they aren’t Jesus, don’t let anyone tell you who your spouse should be. That doesn’t mean you can’t and shouldn’t take guidance from others, but that the final decision doesn’t belong to someone else.
Let’s talk about husbands loving their wives, shall we? The Bible says that Christ gave Himself for the church. You know what that sounds like? That sounds like protection, provision, and sacrifice. Why did we not say girls butterflies in your stomach is the flu not love, if the guy can’t provide for you let him keep the flu and move on because you my dear girl are worth more than that! Why? Why was this not said? Side note, this was said just not enough to make the impact it should have. Protection isn’t just physical protection although that certainly comes into play, what about emotional protection? Does he protect you or does he belittle you? If he belittles you, mocks you or old pictures and videos of you, laughs at you, makes you feel less than before marriage babes please run, it won’t get better. Just because he sometimes makes you feel all warm and fuzzy doesn’t offset the jerk he is. If he makes you feel like a pretty pretty princess in private, but the hunchback in front of friends and family, I’m sorry if it hurts, but he isn’t a great guy and is playing you. Don’t get me wrong we all say things from time to time we shouldn’t, but when there is a list a mile long of times he opened his sorry mouth and belittles you or a short list but those times are pretty massive, he is not worthy of you. Get offended if you will, cause I’m gonna say it again, HE. IS. NOT. WORTHY. OF. YOU.
Moving on, provision. Christ’s blood provided much for us. What does this man child provide for you? This starts before marriage. No he doesn’t owe you anything, nor does he need to provide for you before marriage, but he needs to be in a position to. Think about a job interview. If one of the requirements is being able to read and all you know are the words at, bat, and cat, you aren’t really ready for that job are you? The same thing applies here. No he isn’t required to provide for you before marriage but just like a job he should be in a position to do so. If he can’t get and keep a job before marriage, if he is always talking about quitting and staying home, listen to him. He is telling you his plans and that includes you solely providing for him. He doesn’t want to work, he doesn’t want to provide for you. He plans to be a kept man doing whatever he wants during the day while your working and if children come into the mix he doesn’t want to play that role either. You’ll do all the child rearing alone. He is a loser my sweet girl, run! While I am traditional in many ways, I’m not in others. Each family has their own dynamics and things that work for them. I don’t believe the wife has to stay at home raising 10 children. If it works for a family, great have fun, but it’s not a requirement anywhere in the Bible. A wife can work and help provide financially and there is nothing wrong with that! If his plan is to live off you though HE. IS. NOT. WORTHY. OF. YOU.
Christ literally died for the church, that’s sacrifice at the greatest level. If the man child you wanna be with can’t sacrifice his time for you, his hobbies for you, his anything for you, HE. IS. NOT. WORTHY. OF. YOU.
You have a golden opportunity BEFORE marriage to see what type of person the guy is. Are some people just evil enough that you don’t see through them? I’m sure they are out there, but I haven’t seen one yet. That’s where getting self out of the way and listening to God not man comes into play. It’s the whole being pure before God and having an actual relationship with Him. You see God loves you more than anyone else can, He wants what is best for you, a subpar relationship isn’t in His plans for you. Becoming one with a man that doesn’t love you the way God loves you isn’t what He wants for you. He wants you to trust that He alone knows who is the best fit for you and that you have a close enough relationship with Him that you hear Him when He says yes or no.
See? I told you I’d get off track. A quick google search says the following about the purity culture: Purity culture, primarily associated with Evangelical Christianity, emphasizes sexual abstinence before marriage and places a strong emphasis on maintaining “pure”. It often involves virginity pledges and can lead to shame and negative self-perception, particularly for women. Dating is discouraged entirely to avoid pre-marital sex. Women and girls are told to cover up and dress modestly to avoid arousing sexual urges in men and boys. Purity culture also emphasizes traditional gender roles.
Rebuke not an elder, but intreat him as a father; and the younger men as brethren; 2 The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity. 1 Timothy 5:1-2
Notice the reason why dressing modestly was important? So many issues here. 1. Why is it the females are told to dress modestly as if females do not get any sort of urges while looking at males. 2. Why was it not taught that God calls us to be modest in all things? And 3. Again if we had taught men to esteem women the way they should have maybe just maybe lustful thoughts wouldn’t be as big of an issue.
Purity culture often told young girls that their value was tied to what they had or had not done with a guy. In reality their worth is tied to who they are in Christ.
Purity culture isn’t dead it just isn’t as loud as it once was. Maybe we fix it though. Maybe we tell guys to step up and be men instead of pigs. Maybe someone starts teaching them what loving their wife actually looks like and teaching them that it isn’t about their wants, about having a servant, or having a baby making machine. Maybe we begin to teach them to provide and yes that does also mean to provide financially. Unless you have an insanely rich great uncle that adores you and leaves you a bunch of money when he dies you will not be getting rich quick so go ahead and get that job, then keep that job, save the money, build the house, raise the family, paint the white picket fence, plant the flowers, make a life for your family.
Teach them to protect their wife and children from anyone that comes at them. Do not belittle your spouse, do not put her down, do not make her feel like she isn’t worthy of the great and powerful wonder house you believe yourself to be. When you do you only hurt yourself.
But if ye bite and devour one another, take heed that ye be not consumed one of another. Galatians 5:15
Sacrifice for her. If you love her she is worth it.
I don’t know all the answers but I do know we can do the whole purity culture better than we have.